A curate's wife perspective
In reflecting on the beginnings of life as a curate’s wife, I’m reminded of my husband’s recent ordination as Deacon. The only expectations I had for the service itself was that it was going to be formal and long, and, given that our children are 2 and 4 and hadn’t seen their dad for three days, I was looking forward to it being over more than sitting through it.
To my surprise our children enjoyed the service. Our son was excited to see his dad wearing a dog collar, and our daughter enjoyed looking over at Tim and telling her grandparents “there’s my own daddy”, much to the amusement of those sat around us. The sweets I’d bought also helped.
For me, a point of personal significance were the declarations that the Congregation makes regarding the ordinands.
Bishop Is it now your will that they should be ordained?
All It is
Although it was Tim who went through the discernment process with his DDO, we both worked out together whether God had called us to a life of serving Church in this way.
Bishop Will you continually pray for them?
All We will
Admittedly my prayer life is something that requires ongoing work, but continually praying for Tim in his current role as curate, and any future role, is something I strive to do. We try and pray together each day, and when he’s out at church, I’ll pray for him as he comes to mind.
Bishop Will you uphold and encourage them in their ministry?
All We will
The final one was the one that felt the most poignant as Tim’s wife. I have and will continue to make many mistakes in this area, but I know that one of the greatest ways God has called me to serve his church is in upholding and encouraging my husband. It hasn’t been an easy journey to get to the point where I can say that. The verse that has frequently come to mind is Jesus saying, “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24.
There will be ways all followers of Christ deny themselves and take up their cross. For me, giving up some of my own aspirations to support Tim in his call to ordained ministry has been a sacrifice. As has the realisation that Tim’s call for ordained ministry means that God has called me personally to be married to an ordained minister, which is not something I had ever hoped to be. It’s taken me a while to see that I’m not just following Tim around as God uses him, but God is using me in the work that he has given me to do, even if a lot of it is a result of the work Tim is doing.
If you'd had glimpses into my life over the last few months you may have caught me crying on the kitchen floor at the thought of solo parenting another Sunday, taking over a tricky bedtime as my husband gets to go to the church prayer meeting, or barely seeing my husband on a Saturday as he has another training day. But you may also have seen me tucking into one of the treats from the welcome hamper the church family kindly gave us, chatting to someone at church who may not have come over to me had my husband not been the curate, or enjoying being a leader in our 14-18s Bible study group that my husband leads.
One of the things I have been most grateful for as we've settled into Burford, and a significant answer to prayer, is that I feel like our church family cares for me, both as the curate's wife, and as a child of God in my own right. When Tim went away on retreat, a lady in our church family asked when a tricky time of day was and came over to help me. The vicar's wife has been so kind in caring for me and my children, and her husband has too in making sure Tim gets time with our family. And a few ladies at church are running a crèche for our Bible study group so I (and another mum) can spend time in God's word without distraction.
Life as a curate’s wife comes with its own set of joys and challenges. I’m grateful to feel part of and cared for by my church family, knowing that those married to church staff can often be overlooked. It’s important to pray for and care for a church’s ministers, and it’s important to do the same for their spouses.
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